Why Silence Scares Me (and Also Heals Me)

Dear Reader,

In my last post, I talked about burning out — and how important it is to give yourself credit for all that you do. Today, I want to speak about fear.
One fear in particular: silence.

Silence has always unsettled me. It’s something I was taught to obey, and maybe you were too. From childhood, I remember being told to stay quiet, to behave, to not say or do the wrong thing. I never really understood why. In fact, when I was little, I used to do the opposite. I spoke up. I asked questions. I pushed boundaries. I was loud with my heart.

But over time, something shifted.
The more I was told to shut up, the more I actually did.

I stopped talking about my personal life.
I stopped sharing the things I struggled with.
Because—God forbid—a girl dares to be emotional, open, or honest.

“Be this.”
“Don’t do that.”
“Don’t say that.”
“Just grow up.”

Okay — but then… what am I supposed to be?
What am I supposed to do when all I have are feelings I don’t know how to carry?
When I’m not okay, and no one around me seems to notice — or care?

I was just a child.
No, I couldn’t “suck it up.”
No, I couldn’t “grow up” when I was surrounded by grown-ups who were just kids in disguise.

So what do you do when there’s no one to support you?
When you’re bursting with emotions and no safe place to put them?

I don’t have a perfect answer. I wish I did.
There’s no guidebook for life. No step-by-step instructions for how to carry the weight we feel.

When I couldn’t turn to my family for advice, I searched for answers in places I probably shouldn’t have. But still—I survived.
And here’s what I now believe:

At the end of the day, it’s just me.
No one will care for me as deeply as I can care for myself.
So I might as well try. I might as well be the person I needed back then.

And now… silence isn’t just a fear. It’s also a place I go to heal.
Because when the world gets loud and cruel, silence becomes the only place where my voice can echo back to me — clearly, honestly, safely.

Maybe silence doesn’t mean emptiness.
Maybe it means listening—to yourself—for the first time in a long time.

Love,
Yours Viktoriia 🕊️